A Modest Proposal
I wrote this essay in 2004, last time the buzz went around for this Constitutional amendment. I shared it with a few friends and tried to send it to the Washington Post to no avail. Now, however, I share it with you, dear readers, with a few edits. Read it thoroughly and well before you judge. And please feel free to pass this one on.
A Modest Proposal:
For the Return of Good Morals and Influences in Society
In recent days, it has been proposed that a Constitutional amendment be made in order to define the term “marriage” as “a union between one man and one woman.” Anything else would, of course, be an affront to our Moral Sensibilities. Of course, it is not enough to simply ban a union between two people of the same gender. We must eradicate homosexual relationships in order to prove that such behavior is not Natural. Homosexual people must be banned from any influence upon our young people, especially the army, where they might be seen in heroic action; television—programs such as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Will & Grace come to mind (we simply cannot have our children seeing homosexuality as acceptable or even “cool”)—and movies; and teaching positions, where they might inculcate abhorrent homosexual morals into the impressionable minds of our children. These people must not be allowed to live their sinful lifestyle, and if possible, they must be reconditioned to Normal, Happy, Monogamous heterosexual relationships. Of course, having exported the excess population (or having dealt with them with more extreme measures, should they provide resistance), we will need to ban and nullify marriages that cannot or will not produce children in order to encourage continual breeding. After all, childless couples are clearly unproductive members of society. Furthermore, all references to homosexual relationships in history, literature, and art must be deleted and rewritten, unless they serve to illustrate the inherent Evils of homosexuality. Our children are our Future, and they must not be corrupted by the Unnatural Evils of the Past!
This fight against unnatural sexual behavior must, of course, be extended to the denizens of the animal kingdom. Zoos and other institutions for animals must separate their homosexual pairs, such as the penguins Wendell and Cass of the New York Aquarium, and rehabilitate them with a mate of their species and of the opposite gender. After all, such behavior cannot be displayed and celebrated for our young children to see, especially when such institutions are supported by the government and funded by our tax dollars!
However, I would propose that even this definition of marriage and these solutions are not sufficient for preventing the Corruption of Good morals in our society. Perhaps a more complete definition of “marriage” should be “a union between one man and one woman of the same race, religion and class.” Each Christian denomination would, of course, be segregated into separate communities in order to prevent the intermingling of people, and therefore, of Values. Within each community would be kept a strict hierarchy of class, based upon birth, so that no one will Devalue or Corrupt the institution of marriage by marrying beneath them. All non-Christians—including Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, pagans and atheists—are obviously Evil influences in our society and must be asked, with whatever Force necessary, to leave our Good country. Furthermore, all non-white Christians—including black, Asian and Hispanic people—must be asked to leave as well. The only moral community is a community of like-minded people. Anything else would be inviting Evil influences into our society, thereby morally Corrupting the people. Marriage, as an institution with “cultural, religious and natural roots,” must not be Corrupted by irreligious and non-Christian people, just as it must not be Corrupted by homosexual people.
Of course, even this regulation of marriage would not suffice. Women must also be asked to relinquish their freedom to choose in marriage and return this right to their fathers. Only a father can decide who will make a Good husband for his daughter. This is and has always been—until recent times—the traditional, cultural and Moral right of the father. Furthermore, the woman must remain chaste until marriage, as pre-marital sex, especially for a woman, indicates loose morals and constitutes Wicked behavior. Once married, women should remain in the home, as insurance that they are faithful to the husbands chosen for them by their Good fathers.
It is vital that we institute these corrections quickly, before our society is completely degraded by the numerous Evil influences that surround us. Those who are unnatural and un-Christian must be stripped of the privileges reserved only for the most Pious and deserving people. These Evil influences are, of course, the cause of such a high divorce rate in this country. We must fight to bring marriage back as a Sacred institution between one man and one woman of the same race, religion and class. We must fight to ensure that we of this same popular opinion can remain in power in order to ensure that all of these Evil influences are controlled and eradicated. Freedom—especially of religion and speech—is, after all, only meant for those wealthiest of us who are of the same mind, gender and color.
satire (sat•īre) n. literary composition holding up to ridicule vice or folly of the times; use of irony, sarcasm, invective or wit. – New Webster’s Dictionary