Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Empire, part 2

I think this show has officially made me cringe even more than Troy and King Arthur. This second episode didn't even have the courtesy to have at least one decent moment.

Again, I think it is pointless to pick at the historical inaccuracies at this point, and I really do wish I had gone ahead with the drinking game idea. However, a few things did bug me enough for mention.

1) Um, gladiator school? Please. Why is Octavius at gladiator school? Why is this gladiator school called Arkham? Does this gladiator school breed insane Batman villains? Did the writers think about this at all?? Even for one moment?? I've known about this since last night, and I still can't wrap the thought around my brain. It hurtsss, preciousss. It burnssss ussss! Really, though, if they wanted Gladiator, they should have just done a gladiator movie.

2) It would have taken a ten second google search to figure out how Vestals are killed. What is this business about being buried to one's head and stoned to death? Where did they even get this idea? A Vestal Virgin! Stoned to death! I pray Vesta seeks her vengeance on these writers.

3) Am I the only person who thought that the business about Tyrannus being recoginsed for his fighting was dumb? I mean, I suppose it could happen, but that move? That move is so over-used in television and movies, how can it be the mark of the great Tyrannus? The guard learned to use it too, so clearly not every individual who uses it must automatically be Tyrannus. These plot holes hurt my head.

4) This is stupid, but by the time I got to this point in the episode, it really bugged me. Octavius is trying to shoot a rabbit for dinner, and he tells Tyrannus, "You do it--I've had my fill of blood." Please. It's a rabbit! This is our pansy new emperor? He can't even shoot a rabbit for dinner? Give me a break. I certainly hope Marc Antony came with extra food.

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the next four episodes (boy, am I glad they cut it down to six! It's not short enough!), except that I've a morbid curiousity about how much further they can dig themselves in this hole. Rest assured, I shall keep you all updated on my ranting if it kills me (which it probably will).


Anonymous Mark said...

Thanks for suffering through this so that we don't have to. I recorded it but I believe I will forgo the pain of actually viewing it.
Any recommendations for reasonably well done Roman dramas other than "I,Claudius" and "Gladiator" ?

8:43 PM  
Blogger Glaukôpis said...

::laughs:: The only other thing I can think of is Monty Python.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Lea said...

Oh, do keep up the ranting! It's fun! Besides, I'll probably keep watching too, since I'm masochistically drawn to crappy historical dramas, and I want someone else out there to be feeling my pain. ;)

The best thing about last night's episode was seeing Michael Maloney as Cassius bellow "YOU'LL NEVER BE CAESAR!" with exactly the same inflection and facial expression with which he says "WILL IT NEVER BE DAY?" in the Branagh Henry V (in which he plays the Dauphin)...

9:05 PM  
Blogger Glaukôpis said...

Re: lea

::grin:: Oh I know all about the masochism. I think I actually own Troy somewhere. ::cringe:: In my defense, I got it because it meant I could get Ben Hur for only $3 (oh, Mark--that's another good film).

I haven't actually *watched* Troy again since it was in theatres, though. That requires a friend with whom to bitch.

You know what's sad? There are some decent actors in this thing, but... the script is SO FAR beyond salvaging!

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

Ben Hur is wonderful. The chariot racing really brings to life the spectacle and pandemonium that must have been the Circus maximus. Hollywood has the ability to bring this stuff to life, its frustrating that they don't do so with decent scripts and a desire for historical accuracy.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Brontëana said...

*raises hand* I know of a good Roman drama! 'The Fall of the Roman Empire'. Unfortunately it is no longer available, I think- unless you can buy an old copy on ebay. We saw part of it in a class on the Romans on film. It had some of the usual hokey Roman things (like a chariot race... through a forest). It was also ripped off to make Gladiator ;)

11:06 PM  
Blogger Glaukôpis said...

re: sophie

Yeah, I remember hearing about that one now, but I haven't seen it.

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Shelly said...

My favorite part was when our bold Vestal heroine clippety clops surreptitiously (in clogs? high heels?) across the square and up the steps of ... the Senate (?) to post Caesar's will for all to see. Did she use a push-pin? And why *do* her shoes make so much noise?

9:28 AM  
Blogger Glaukôpis said...

re: Shelly

::snicker:: Maybe they printed it on post-it notes!

11:51 AM  
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6:31 PM  

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